Pilot Jokes

1. On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you b^&%h". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your a^&".Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're an idiot!"

2. After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."

3. While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"Other passengers left_inner their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs."Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"The pilot said they were.The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?""There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

4. An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left_inner. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York." A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left_inner. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

5. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

6. A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?""Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking."HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!""Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"

7. What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

8. A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?""I just shut down two engines, kid."

9. "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

10. Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

11. A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.

12.A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time?"